Chapter Thirteen

Angie was being wheeled into her room by an orderly. Mira was already in the room waiting for her. Angie was surprised to see her as she wiped away some tears in a futile attempt to show she wasn't crying. Angie cleared her throat.

"Mira? What are you doing here?" She looked around. "Where's Rollie?"

"Rollie went to the station with Agent Serrano," Mira answered.

The orderly helped Angie, who was still moving stiffly, back into bed.

"And how are you doing, Angie?" Mira asked.

"I'm fine-"

"Oh really? Is that why you're trying to make it appear as if you haven't been crying?" Mira smiled gently.

Angie laughed as she wiped more tears away. "I just can't seem to stop the waterworks. I'm trying to be strong for Rollie. I...I need to be strong for Rollie. I know he feels guilty-"

"You know, he's doing exactly the same thing for you?" Mira smiled. "He's trying to be strong and not show you how much it's hurting him but inside it is. And you're right. He is feeling guilty. Do you mind some unsolicited advice?"

"Do I have a choice?" Angie grimaced, knowing Mira was trying to help. "I'm sorry. Go ahead."

"Don't try to hide your feelings from Rollie and don't let him do it either." Mira advised. "You're both going through an incredible amount of pain. This is a devastating loss and if you're not careful, it could create a gulf between you that can never be recovered."

Angie picked at the fabric of her blanket. "Yeah? And how did you get to be so smart?"

"I was married once, remember?" Mira half-grinned but then she grew pensive. "I've never told anyone but I became pregnant three months after Michael and I were married. I was devastated. It's not that I didn't want the baby...I just didn't want one then. I was fresh out of the police academy. I was struggling to prove that I could do what is still considered a man's job and then I find out I'm pregnant. It wasn't exactly perfect timing."

"What happened?" Angie asked.

"Michael and I argued. A lot. He wanted the baby. He didn't see why I couldn't put off joining the force until later. I considered an abortion and Michael was so angry with me. We argued so much. It was my body but it was our baby," Mira paused for a few moments, lost in memories of the past. "I don't know if I could have gone through with it but the decision was taken out of my hands. It guess it wasn't meant to be...." Mira's voice trailed off.

"Why?"

"I lost the baby." Mira looked at Angie, her eyes filled with tears too now. "It wasn't like yours. I didn't have a miscarriage. Like I said, it wasn't meant to be." Mira was quiet for a few minutes. "It was an ectopic pregnancy. The baby was growing outside of the womb and was growing in the fallopian tubes instead. It couldn't survive. There was just no way. Michael, of course, was devastated. You know, the funny thing is...I didn't realize how much I had wanted it to until it was gone."

"I'm so sorry, Mira."

"I sometimes wonder, you know? Would Michael and I still be together if we had a baby? Did God punish me because I put my career ahead of my family?" Mira looked at Angie and squeezed her hand. "Sometimes things just happen and we are left to struggle to understand why. Don't make the same mistake Michael and I did. Michael and I didn't talk. We didn't share our pain or our fears with each other- we only shared our dreams, and I think that's part of the reason we didn't make it. We tried to shield each other from the pain and fear but in the process we shut each other out of a very important process. I don't want to see that happen to you and Rollie."

Angie squeezed Mira's hand. "Thank you for sharing that with me, Mira. I know it wasn't easy for you. Even though they were different circumstances...it helps." Angie smiled weakly.

"I'm glad." Mira squeezed Angie's hand. "You can tell Rollie if it helps."

Angie took a deep breath, trying to fill her lungs with courage. "You said Rollie went to the station with Serrano?"

"Yeah. He went to find out what happened with Loubar. He needed answers, if there are any. He needed some way to try and understand." Mira explained. "Don't be angry with him, okay?" Mira shook her finger at Angie.

Angie smiled. "I won't. I know Rollie needs to know what happened. He needs closure and," Angie took a deep breath, "maybe you could fill me in on what happened too?"

"I'll do my best."

"Hey." Rollie smiled as he entered Angie's hospital room to see Mira sitting on the side of the bed and her and Angie talking and in a seemingly serious conversation.

"Hi." Angie smiled weakly as she opened her arms to receive a hug from Rollie. She looked pale and tired and as if she were putting on a brave face.

"You look better." Rollie lied. "How did your tests go?" he asked as his hand caressed Angie's cheek.

"Good. Nothing broken, so I guess that's good." Angie looked depressed.

Rollie moved to stand at the end of the bed. He lifted up the covers and exposed Angie's injured feet, bandaged and in a sock. "How are your feet?" He asked as he gently fingered Angie's foot.

"It hurts to put any kind of pressure on it. The doctors removed all the glass though, so I guess it's going to be okay." Angie sighed. "Speaking of which, the doctor is going to come in a little while to speak with me." Angie grimaced when she felt a twinge on her ribs when she moved wrong. "Maybe she'll let me know when I can go home." She grimaced again as her fingers entwined in Rollie's fingers. "Rollie? How is your dad?"

"My dad?" Rollie eyes darted between Angie and Mira.

"Yes, and don't blame Mira." Angie softly reprimanded him. "I remembered what happened. Loubar alluded to something happening to Dingo and I asked Mira about it. That was when you came in. So? How is he?"

"He's in critical condition." Rollie sighed. "I was going to go down and see him while you're having dinner."

"Hey! No way! If I have to eat this crap, so do you!" Angie complained good-naturedly.

Mira laughed. It was good to see Angie's humor coming back. "I'm going to go now, you two. Listen, Rollie, why don't you go down now and visit with your father and while you do that I will go out and sneak something in for the two of you to eat. How long has it been since you've eaten, Rollie?'

"Oh, gosh...you know I don't know." He laughed. Rollie hadn't eaten on the plane nor had he had breakfast in London. His stomach growled to remind him of its presence. It was amazing that he didn't collapse from hunger. He was living on coffee.

"Thanks Mira." Angie laughed, as she replied on his behalf. She tugged on Rollie's sleeve and he looked down at her. "Go Rollie. Go and see your dad. I'll be okay."

"You sure?" he asked.

"I'm sure. Give him my love," Angie answered as Rollie leaned down to kiss her. "Now go!"

Rollie returned to Angie's room a while later to find that Mira had brought two lasagna dinners from Regino's for them. The plates were still warm and he hungrily dug into the appetizing dish. Halfway through their food Angie asked how Dingo was doing.

"Better." Rollie smiled but there was still a touch of worry on his face, which he was doing his best to hide. "The doctors say he's improving. He's still out of it, but they say he needs to rest anyway. The doctors are concerned about fluid collecting in his lungs but so far they are 'cautiously optimistic' about his progress." Rollie paused and looked at Angie. "How about you? How are you doing, really?" He leaned in, searching Angie's eyes.

Angie put down her fork and stared at her food. "It hurts, Rollie. Not physically, I mean, although there is that. I feel so empty inside." Angie paused as she fought back the tears that were on the verge of coming again and Rollie grabbed her hand. "I really was excited about the baby. I felt my tummy every day imagining our baby growing in there. I couldn't wait to feel your hands on my tummy, feeling our baby." Angie wiped some tears from her eyes. "I wish you could have felt our baby Rollie," she cried.

"Me too," Rollie said quietly. Then, he moved the tray out of the way and went up behind Angie on the bed. He pulled her close.

"How are you doing, Rollie?" Angie looked up at Rollie.

Rollie didn't answer. He just pulled Angie to him tighter and kissed the top of her head.

The doctor came in a short while later to tell Angie her results from her tests. She said Angie was healing fine and she would be able to go home tomorrow but that she wanted to schedule a follow up exam in a week or so. Angie was happy to hear that, Rollie not so much. He hadn't been home to the loft since Loubar had kidnapped Angie and stabbed Dingo. The place was still a mess and there were still his father's bloodstains under the stairs to deal with as well as the blood trails left by Angie and Loubar during their struggle.

Rollie broke hospital regulations again by spending the night in Angie's bed. The next morning, before Angie's release, he went home to clean up the place and to pick up some clothes for Angie.

Rollie was amazed when he returned to the loft. The place had been cleaned and straightened up. As he heard a noise upstairs and followed the noise, he found out why. Mira and Lucinda were there cleaning up. They were in his bedroom putting new sheets on the bed and vacuuming.

"Hey, welcome home!" Lucinda exclaimed as she spotted Rollie. "Is Angie with you?"

Rollie smiled as he hugged Lucinda tight. "No. I'll be picking her up later. What are you guys doing here?"

"What's it look like we're doing, Tyler?" Mira smiled. "We called the hospital and found out when Angie was being released and knowing that cleaning is way down on your list of priorities-"

"We decided to chip in," Lucinda piped in. "We're almost done. We were hoping to surprise you." She pouted.

"You did. This is a surprise." Rollie laughed a he pulled them both together for a hug. "Thank you both so much!" Then, he turned and started for the door.

"Hey, where are you going?" Mira called after him before he got through the doorway.

"I was going to go down and try and tackle that blood stain under the stairs. I didn't want Angie to see it...."

"Already taken care of," Mira informed him. "I had some professionals come in and do it. I have connections you know."

"Thanks, Mira. I appreciate it." Rollie smiled, relieved that Angie wouldn't have to see it. Then he went to the dresser and started packing some clothes to take to the hospital for Angie. He stopped when he spotted the white teddy bear on the top of the dresser and a book Angie had been reading 'You and Your Pregnancy'. Rollie fingered the book as his thoughts drifted elsewhere and unshed tears filled his eyes. He felt a hand on his shoulder.

"You okay Rollie?" Lucinda asked sweetly as she studied his face.

"I'm fine." Rollie cleared his throat. "I'm fine, Luce. You might want to take this with you when you leave, okay?" he asked as he handed her the book and the bear.

"Sure thing."

Rollie finished packing for Angie and left Lucinda and Mira to finish up. They told him they wouldn't be there when he returned with Angie, figuring they could use some time alone. Mira also said that Sarah Gatti had frozen some homemade dinners and they were in the freezer ready for when Angie and Rollie got hungry. There was homemade lasagna, beef stew, spaghetti sauces, and chicken potpie. Rollie made a mental note to call the Gatti's and thank them for the food.

Elena Serrano peeked through Angie's open doorway into her hospital room. Angie was watching TV and almost didn't notice Serrano as she was turning to leave.

"Elena?" Angie called after her.

Elena turned around. "Hi Angie. I was looking for Rollie, I didn't want to disturb you."

"Rollie should be back soon-"

"I'm afraid I'm going to miss him." Elena stayed near the door. "I have to fly to London to discuss the case with my Scotland Yard and Interpol colleagues. I was hoping to speak with Rollie before I left."

"I'm sure he'll be sorry he missed you," Angie offered.

Elena shrugged. She wasn't sure how Rollie would feel about her now. As a matter of fact, she wasn't sure how she felt about herself. "Well...I'll let you get your rest." Elena turned towards the door. Suddenly she stopped, squaring her shoulders. Elena re-entered the room, closing the door behind her.

Angie looked up at her, puzzled.

"Angie, there's something I need to tell you...."

Rollie returned to the hospital and waited for Angie's release. Once the paperwork was done, they headed home. Angie was quiet in the car as she gazed out the window. Rollie's attempts at conversation were met with grunts or short answers. Rollie knew Angie was anxious to get home but she also seemed...more than a little distant from him.

Half way to the loft, Angie informed Rollie that she didn't want to go home right away. So, they went to the park and walked around, or rather Angie limped around as best she could on her injured feet and despite Rollie feeling it was bloody cold. Angie put her hands in Rollie's pockets to warm them and he had his arms around her, so it wasn't really all that bad. It was the first real feeling of intimacy on Angie's part since they had left the hospital.

Then, they stopped somewhere to eat and they picked up a few groceries before returning home. Rollie could tell that Angie was putting off returning to the loft and he didn't want to rush her but he worried about her doing too much as well as her state of mind. It was getting dark and Angie and Rollie both knew they couldn't avoid going home.

"Home sweet home," Angie whispered as they walked into the loft. It looked the same. It didn't look like a madman had been here. Chiops came running over and Angie winced from pain as she bent over and picked her up, rubbing her soft fur on her cheeks. Bluey, too, was barking excitedly to welcome them home. "Hi Bluey," Angie's voice cracked with emotion.

"You okay?" Rollie asked as he came back downstairs after taking Angie's bags up to the bedroom.

"I'm okay," Angie insisted as she wiped away some tears. "How about you?"

"Angie, I haven't been through everything you've been through," Rollie insisted as well. He caught her look, which told him she had his number and to knock it off. "I'm fine." Rollie sighed.

Angie caressed his cheek. "I love you Rollie."

Rollie pulled her to him. "Oh, sweetie, I love you too."

Angie was tired and went up to bed shortly after returning home. She tried to get Rollie to come up with her but Rollie insisted he wasn't tired and he would only keep her awake. Rollie promised he would be up soon and Angie asked him to wake her when he did.

Angie awoke in the middle of the night after a nightmare to find Rollie's side of the bed still empty and cold. Rollie hadn't come to bed as he had promised. Angie worried about him. She was about to grab her robe, but seeing Rollie's, grabbed it instead and started limping down the stairs in her thick padded socks.

Angie saw Rollie sitting on the couch with a few empty beer bottles splayed out on the table in front of him. She could hear muffled cries coming from him. As Angie approached Rollie she noticed his head was in his hands and he was hunched over. He didn't even hear Angie approach.

Rollie jumped when he felt Angie's hand on his shoulder.

"Rollie?"

"What?" Rollie avoided looking at Angie as he cleared his throat and tried to appear as if he hadn't been crying. "Sweetie? Did you have a nightmare?"

Angie sat down on the couch next to Rollie. "Yes, I did. I dreamt that I woke up in bed and you weren't there. But it wasn't a dream. It was real. Rollie."

"What? What is it Ange?" Rollie asked, avoiding Angie's eyes.

"Rollie, you're hurting. Please don't shut me out," Angie pleaded softly, her hand on Rollie's arm. "Talk to me."

Rollie ran his hands over his face and hair. "You should run away from me, Angie. You're better off without me. All I have ever done is bring you pain-"

"No! That's not true," Angie insisted. "How can you say that?"

"It is true! It's bad enough you've been raped and kidnapped because of me but now you've lost our baby too. God! You should get as far away from me as you can. It's all my fault. You lost our baby because of my pigheaded zeal for one-upping Victor Loubar. Mangela warned me. You warned me. I should have listened to you but no- I'm too stubborn and prideful and I knew, I KNEW, I could one-up Loubar. Oh yeah, I sure showed him didn't I?" Rollie said bitterly.

Angie moved to kneel in front of him. She moved Rollie's hands from hiding his face and held his large fingers within her own smaller hands. "That's not true. Rollie. You are not to blame for this and neither am I. You were right. Loubar is to blame and only him." Angie spoke softly but Rollie didn't seem to be paying her any heed.

Rollie stared down at Angela, whose eyes held his own. Rollie struggled to keep a cold, determined, icy stare but staring into Angela's eyes softened his own, despite his resolve that she was better off without him.

"I thought that I could beat Loubar at his own game but you were right." Rollie continued. "I'm not as devious or cold blooded as he is. I was a fool. I should have known. And what, exactly, did I accomplish? He still got away and made it back here to hurt you, only this time he was going to rape and kill you and as an added bonus he could've killed my dad too. Bloody hell!" Rollie looked up at the ceiling after being unable to stare into Angie's eyes any longer. "What if he had succeeded?" Rollie stared up into nothingness as he kept the tears at bay. "I promised Manny."

Angie looked up at him, wondering what he was talking about.

"I promised Manny I would take care of you," Rollie continued, his chin quivering. "He asked me to take care of you if anything ever happened to him, to watch out for you and to keep you safe. I promised him that I wouldn't let anyone hurt you...but I broke that promise!" Rollie slammed his fist into his head.

"No you didn't!" Angie caught Rollie's hand, stopping it from slamming into his head again. Angie reached up and cradled Rollie's face in her hands. She made him look at her. "You have protected me and kept me safe, at your own risk. Loubar didn't succeed, Rollie. It wasn't your fault that he got away." Rollie tried to look away but Angie held his face firm in her hands. "Don't you know how brave you are? You are so brave. I know that I didn't want you to go after him but that was because I was scared. I let Loubar scare me so much that I let him influence our future. I was letting the fear paralyze me. You were right, Rollie, to not let him do that. I was wrong. We couldn't have lived with that fear. What kind of life would that have been for us? You were right to fight for us and our future. Rollie? Do you hear me?"

Rollie still didn't respond. Angie could see that Rollie was blaming himself for losing their baby just as she had been doing. Mira was right. She couldn't let him push her away! Loubar would succeed if that happened. He couldn't be serious, could he? The thought of losing Rollie, emotionally and physically, scared Angie straight to her heart and she felt a chill go down her spine. Rollie was all she had in this world.

"Rollie, please don't shut me out. I can't get through this without you. Please!" Angie cried in anguish.

Rollie looked down to see Angie's stricken face. Pain and fear, fear of being left behind and being left alone, marked her face. He recognized the look, a look he had seen when her father died and when she thought he almost died rescuing Johnny Rhodes. Rollie had seen that look whenever Angie had talked about leaving Cuba and her Mom. But he had never seen her so scared before. Rollie realized that the thought of unseen walls separating them was just as frightening to Angie as any other separation.

"Oh God!" Rollie cried as he pulled Angie into a hug. "I won't leave you, Angel. I promise. I won't leave you."

Angie cried into his chest. Her arms wrapped around Rollie as she ignored the pain in her ribs, her fingers clutching at the fabric on Rollie's back. She could smell the alcohol on him and she knew that he was trying to dull the pain.

"You're not to blame, do you hear me?" Angie pulled away and looked at him. "Rollie, I don't blame you. I could never blame you," she said softly as she caressed his face. Angie felt Rollie's tears wet her fingers. "We need each other through this. We can't shut each other out of what we're going through. Rollie, I...I can't go through this alone. It hurts so much." Angie cried, the emptiness in her heart taking hold of her once again and she was afraid of being left alone, alone with this pain.

"I won't let you go through it alone," Rollie promised.

"I won't let you either," Angie promised through her tears.

Angie knew how strong Rollie was trying to be. He was always trying to be so strong for her, and he was, but Angie knew that Rollie was hurting too. At least she had the chance to feel their baby, even for a little while. Rollie didn't get that chance. Angie moved and sat in the corner of the couch, pulling a pillow in her lap.

"C'mere," she ordered softly.

Rollie gave her a sidelong glance through tired, bloodshot eyes. "Excuse me?" A smirk on his face, as if he couldn't believe she was ordering him around.

"You heard me." Angie patted the pillow. "You need to rest, Rollie. You're exhausted." The truth was, she was exhausted as well.

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not." Angie insisted. "How long has it been since you slept? Really slept?"

Rollie didn't answer. He blamed it on the beers. He couldn't remember.

"Come on," Angie repeated as she patted the pillow in her lap.

Rollie sighed and gave in. He lay down on the couch with his head in Angie's lap, his legs hanging over the arm of the couch. Despite his initial reluctance, this was where Rollie most wanted to be. Angie began massaging Rollie's temples.

Something else continued to gnaw at Rollie. It had been gnawing at him since London but he hadn't had the courage until now to bring it up. While Angie was in the hospital Rollie kept pushing it back, feeling the timing wasn't right. Rollie wasn't sure if now was the right time but he was full of alcohol and wasn't a really good judge of such things at the moment. Finally getting up the courage Rollie decided he had to tell Angie about Elena.

"Angie. There's something I need to tell you. Um...." Rollie's voice shook. "Angie, I...I did something I will regret for the rest of my life. I don't know how it happened but that's no excuse. It's inexcusable. Angie I-"

"Rollie, shush." Angie interrupted him, placing her finger on his lips and just knowing where this conversation was headed. Her compassionate blue eyes stared deep into Rollie's brown confused eyes. "You did not sleep with Elena."

"What? Angie...how? No- Angie...I know you don't want to believe it, neither do I but as much as I wish it weren't true-" Rollie tried to get up.

"It's not. It's not true, Rollie. Elena told me-" Angie insisted as she pulled Rollie back down to his place on the pillow on her lap.

"What?" Rollie looked up at Angie in disbelief. This was a too-weird conversation they were having. Rollie trying to tell Angie about his adultery and Angie trying to tell him that it wasn't true. I mean, Rollie thought, I should know shouldn't I?

"Elena came to see me- actually she came to see you at the hospital before she left but you weren't there, so she came in to see me. Boy, was I surprised! I was not expecting to have a little girlfriend heart-to-heart with her, that's for sure!" Angie shook her head. "But Elena said she had to get something off her chest. She told me about how you thought that you and she had slept together-"

Rollie started to get up again. "Angie, it wasn't just a thought. We did-"

"Would you let me finish?" Angie demanded in mock frustration as she pulled Rollie back down. "Anyway, Elena explained about what happened and what you thought happened. She said that she had been worried about you one night after one of your...sting operations, and she went to your bedroom to check on you. I was pretty peeved at her boldness believe me! I mean going into your bedroom uninvited!" Angie smiled and Rollie couldn't help but smile too. She started to massage his temples. "Anyway, she said that you were delirious and you thought that I was there. You kept saying my name over and over and, like I said, you thought I was there...and you...kissed Elena and she...kissed you back. Like I said, Elena wanted you Rollie and the two of you could have really gone at it. Her wanting you...you wanting me...." Angie smiled and licked her lips, tickled that Rollie was thinking of her while he was away. "Anyway, you passed out before things could go any further and I can only imagine how disappointed Elena was!"

"But Ange, I woke up in bed with her." Rollie grimaced in shame at the memory.

"I know." Angie said so softly and sweetly that it touched Rollie's heart and he didn't believe that he deserved her. "Trust me, I'm pretty pissed off at Elena for that stunt." She paused as she looked across the room. Rollie was watching her and when she looked back down at Rollie, their eyes locked on each other and Rollie could see the softness and humour in her eyes. Angie continued with her story. "Elena told me that she undressed herself and got into bed with you Rollie. She thought that would make you realize that you wanted to be with her. But Elena realized later how much you really do love me and she saw how much pain she was causing you. She said that she could see how much turmoil you were in over what you thought had happened and she could see that she had set you up on a collision course with yourself. Elena said she tried to tell you the truth over and over again. But you were so determined to do the right thing and tell me. You were so mad at her and you were blaming yourself, she thought she would tell me herself since the opportunity presented itself."

Rollie was quiet for a few minutes going over every thing Angie had just said in his mind. "Do you believe her?" he asked finally.

Angie pondered the question. "I do. I told you I didn't trust her but you know? It took a lot of guts for her to tell me. I guess I can give her credit for that."

"I don't know," Rollie said slowly as he caught Angie's hand and held it in his own, still feeling the anguish at what he thought had happened. "I don't know if I can be so forgiving."

"You can be," Angie assured him, her fingers wrapping around Rollie's fingers and bringing his hand to her cheek. "We've both lost so much Rollie. I just feel that it's a waste of time holding onto that anger. It doesn't bring our baby back and Rollie...."Angie sighed shakily, "life is too short to spend it drawing lines in the sand. Elena, as much as I hate to admit it, has been a good friend to you. I see that she truly cares for you and I would never want to come between that. She's not like Dani...a false friend. Elena has come through for you and you for her. I don't want to mess with that. Besides," she smiled a smile that reached her eyes, "Elena knows you love me."

"I do. More than anything in this entire world." Rollie smiled broadly.

"Really?" Angie smiled coquettishly and Rollie knew with that smile he was a goner. He had a feeling Angie knew that as well. "Then you should listen to me and do as I say and go to sleep. You're exhausted." She pulled the throw blanket off the top edge of the couch and covered Rollie with it. Angie bent down and kissed Rollie's temple and then planted a soft kiss on his lips.

"By the way, isn't that my robe you have on there?" Rollie asked as he fingered the collar of his robe.

"Yeah. I wanted to feel close to you and since you weren't in bed with me this was the next best thing." Angie smiled coyly.

"C'mere." Rollie pulled her face to his in a deep kiss.

After a few moments Angie pulled away and ran her fingers through Rollie's hair. "Sleep Rollie," Angie softly ordered.

"Angie?" Rollie voice was low, the relief and the exhaustion finally catching up to him.

"Hmm?"

"We should go away when my dad is out of the woods...." Rollie's eyes were now closed.

Angie smiled softly. "Someplace warm?"

"Oh yeah." Rollie smiled, his eyes still closed. "For a week-"

"Yeah, or two." Rollie smiled broadly.

Angie continued to stroke Rollie's hair. He had been quiet for some time now, his eyes closed, and Angie rested her head on the back of the couch as she too started to drift off into sleep.

"Ange?"

Angie stirred. "Yeah Rollie?"

"I...think...I'm...going to...go...to sleep now," he whispered.

Angie smiled and kissed his temple. "Okay honey."

PS When I wrote this chapter, I was listening to 10,000 Maniacs Trouble Me. It seemed to go really well with it.